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Dear Barrier Pest Control,

SpiderMy name is Webster and I’m writing to ask for some leniency. I have a problem with violence. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get in your good graces. I’ll seek therapy, change my diet, stay outdoors etc. In order to understand my situation better I think it’s important to tell you my story.

I’m a savage little creature but it’s not my fault! I was conditioned. Let me start at the beginning. My first memory is being smooshed in a sac with a bajillion and three siblings. Can you imagine what that’s like? My mom would drag us around wherever she went. Sometimes it was an uncomfortable-bumpy ride. Once in a while she’d yell things at us like, “Don’t make me come back there!” That mouth of hers was venomous and we were scared to to death of her! One day a plethora of my sisters got into it with each other. “Mom, she stole the shirt I molted myself!” “You don’t need it anymore!” “Mom! She bit me!” “Because she keeps touching me!” That did it. Mom decided to “come back there.” She ripped our sac right open and exposed every one of us to the world! That woman had a bite! And a look that would give any spider the creepy-crawlies.

For the first week or two after we’d been released everything was fine except for the rumors that my mom had eaten our father. Not sure what he did to her to deserve that but certainly her reaction was harsh. When we confronted her she admitted it like it was no big hairy deal. “I was hungry. You’ll do the same thing when you need to eat.” she said. Like it’s okay to just eat willy-nilly because you have some hunger pains. She did okay at providing us nutrition for a couple weeks but then it wasn’t enough. It was our turn to be hungry. Us kids had a meeting to figure out what to do. One of my brothers suggested that we give her a little more time to provide for us. He was a passive little guy. Actually, I don’t remember ever seeing him after that. One of my sisters suggested we should do as we’d been taught by our mother. That was the best meal I’ve ever had. And it served her right for what she did to dad! Er…I mean, that terrible of us to follow her example! I’m ashamed now that I look back.

After that I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t think of anything else besides eating. Even my career choice as a web designer was really about eating spiders and other critters. And I admit, I haven’t been nice. I’ve picked on spiders and bugs that are smaller than I am. I love, I mean lovED to bite humans as they sleep at night. I’ve got some pretty good spidey tricks up my sleeve too. Being a web designer I know how to position a web just perfectly to snag more food. But this brings us to my breaking point.

The other day I strung a web, my biggest one yet. I sat very still waiting to attack anything that would fly into it when out of no where a human with the biggest bulging eyes I’ve ever seen walked right into it! I tried to scramble out of the way but suddenly I was stuck on that ledge between those big eyes! I tried to run but ended up in a forest of hair longer than any hair I’ve ever seen on a spider! I’ve never been so frightened in my life. The human was swiping, pounding, shaking and trying to smash it’s own mop and I was stuck right in the way! I got tagged once but luckily I wasn’t crushed. Whew! I almost lost my lunch right there in that tangle of hair! Things calmed down after what seemed like an eternity. I hadn’t found my way out of the hairy labyrinth yet and could hear the human yelling. I didn’t hear all of the words, they were coming so fast but I did pick out the words “Barrier Pest Control!” Those are the three words no spider wants to hear! All spiders know what that means! You are the supreme spider revenge artists ever! I realized I’d run into the wrong human. It was calling for my death! I’ve been trembling ever since. The whole experience was enough to make me rethink my life!

So here I am, confessing my addiction to eating and biting. I know, I’ve done wrong but I’ve been humbled. I promise I’ve changed. I’ll seek therapy and start a vegan diet. Please don’t hold my past against me. I’m just a victim of poor parenting. Please Barrier. I ask that you don’t send your very qualified technicians out here! I’ll never do it again! I promise!

Submissively yours,

Webster

CC image by Jeff Turner at Flickr