Recently, I crossed paths with Dermacentor andersoni—better known as The Tick, America’s newest and perhaps most persistent third-party candidate for president. Although his campaign calendar is packed tighter than a dog’s fur in July, he graciously allowed me a few minutes for an exclusive interview. What followed was a fascinating blend of political humor, arthropod wisdom, and biting commentary—often literally.
Below are the expanded highlights of our conversation, including additional context about his background, his policies, and his vision for the nation. Whether you’re intrigued, confused, or reconsidering your life choices by reading a political interview with a tick, I promise it’ll be memorable.
Kirk: For readers who may not be familiar with your story, tell us a little about your “unique” background.
The Tick:
“Well, Kirk, my origin story is not unlike that of many Americans—full of hardship, constant searching, and the unwavering instinct to survive. I never knew my parents; my mother passed away shortly after giving birth, and my father… well, no one ever talks about him. I spent my early days closely attached to various wildlife. Elk, deer, cattle—really anything warm-blooded with a pulse and a poor attention span.”
“Eventually, I made my way to Washington, D.C. After a short period of wandering, I found myself surrounded by individuals who instantly understood me. Some called them ‘lobbyists,’ others called them ‘hosts,’ but either way, they appreciated my ability to cling on no matter what. One of them even said, ‘Kid, you’ve got natural instincts for politics.’ And honestly? They weren’t wrong. If you can hold on for dear life while draining resources, you’ve got what it takes to make it in this town.”
Kirk: What about the allegations that you and others in your camp contribute to the spread of Lyme disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, and more?
The Tick:
“That depends entirely on what the definition of ‘contributed’ is. Look at me, Kirk—read my lips (or chelicerae): NO NEW DISEASE TRANSFER! These claims are nothing more than smear tactics—ironic, since I literally live on smears.”
“For years, political opponents have tried to associate me with disease, illness, and discomfort. But let’s be honest: if the American people held every politician accountable for causing discomfort, we’d have no one left on Capitol Hill.”
Kirk: You recently received some big news regarding your candidacy—your first major endorsement.
The Tick:
“Oh, absolutely. I was thrilled to learn that Davy Crockett himself—yes, that Davy Crockett—published an op-ed announcing his support for my presidential run. His exact quote was, ‘There ain’t no ticks like poly-ticks,’ which is honestly some of the most profound political commentary I’ve ever heard.”
“And this is just the beginning. We’re currently in early talks with Ant-Man, Spider-Man, and a surprisingly enthusiastic group of bedbugs from Manhattan. The momentum is real. America is waking up to the fact that a small parasite might actually be the least harmful candidate this election cycle.”
Kirk: Critics say that after all the rhetoric, you’re still just a parasite. What do you say to them?
The Tick:
“Sticks and stones, Kirk. I’ve been called worse—bloodsucker, freeloader, unwelcome guest, Congressman… the list goes on. But here’s what I want the American people to understand: if being a parasite disqualifies someone from serving in public office, then half of Washington would need to pack their bags today.”
“Besides, I did a little research of my own. The late Robin Williams famously joked that the word politics comes from two root words: poli meaning ‘many’ and tics meaning ‘blood-sucking parasites.’ If anything, I’m the most honest candidate in the race. I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.”
“In fact, having a literal parasite in the Oval Office may be the most American thing we could do at this point. At least with me, what you see is what you get.”
Kirk: What sets you apart from the other candidates?
The Tick:
“My background uniquely prepares me for the presidency. I’m resilient. I survive in harsh environments. I adapt to change. I cling—some would say too well—but persistence is an underrated leadership trait.”
“Like many politicians, I take what I want and give nothing back. The subtle difference is that I’ll stop bleeding you dry before you die. I consider that both compassionate and fiscally responsible.”
“I’m also small enough to get into places other candidates can’t—figuratively and… well, sometimes literally.”
Closing Thoughts from The Tick
As our conversation wrapped up, The Tick shared one final message for voters:
“America is facing complex challenges. Rising division, economic uncertainty, and the slow but steady realization that maybe, just maybe, we’ve been electing the wrong types of creatures into office. I’m not promising miracles. I’m promising consistency: I will latch onto the issues that matter—and I will not let go.”
Whether you’re amused, disturbed, or oddly convinced, one thing is certain: The Tick has officially entered the political ecosystem, and he might just be the most honest participant in it.
