Recently I crossed paths with Dermacentor Andersoni, more commonly known as The Tick, our country’s newest third-party candidate for president. Though he is very busy, I was fortunate enough to have a few moments with him. Here are a few highlights from our interview:
Kirk: For readers who may not be familiar with your story, tell us a little about your ‘unique’ background.
The Tick: For starters, I never really knew my parents, because my mother passed away shortly after giving birth. I grew up closely ‘attached’ to animals, etc., really anything that had any real warmth, you know? After bouncing around for a few years, I finally ended up here in D.C., where I met some lovely hosts, I mean people, who really understood me and saw my potential. I’ll never forget when they told me that my very nature was perfect for politics. The rest, as they say, is history.
Kirk: What about all these crazy allegations that you and others in your camp have contributed to the spread of Lyme disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, etc.?
The Tick: That depends on what the definition of ‘contributed’ is. Read my lips (chelicerae), NO NEW DISEASE TRANSFER!
Kirk: You recently got some exciting news regarding your candidacy; it seems you just got your first big endorsement.
The Tick: I was extremely happy to receive the news. Davy Crocket just announced in an op-ed that he is officially supporting my run for president. Among other things he said, “There ain’t no ticks like poly-ticks.” Though slightly ambiguous, I’m proud to have his endorsement, and grateful to have his vote. I’m hoping, Kirk, that this is just the beginning. Our campaign has reached out to and heard some promising things from Ant Man and Spider Man, so we’re excited about receiving more celebrity endorsement announcements in the future.
Kirk: What would you say to your critics, who say that after all of the rhetoric, you are in fact, just a parasite?
The Tick: Sticks and stones. Name calling and smear campaigns have been directed at me since I declared my candidacy. I would say this to the American people: If being a parasite precludes me from politics, then nobody would ever run for president.
Furthermore, I’ve done a little research of my own, and do you know what I uncovered? According to the late Robin Williams, the word ‘politics’ comes from two root words: ‘poli,’ meaning many, and ‘tics,’ meaning ‘blood-sucking parasites.’ Therefore, I believe that there is nothing more American than having a parasite in the Oval Office. I’m very proud of that fact.
Kirk: What sets you apart from the other candidates?
The Tick: I believe that my unique background lends itself to presidential success. Like other politicians, I take what I want and give nothing back. But here is the subtle but very important difference: I’ll stop bleeding you dry BEFORE you die.